18th hour of hell.

Romeo, Oh Romeo, why did you leave me at 6?

I was left with the ones that don't see me like you do and try to break my spirit. 

Little do they know, my spirit has been broken for what feel like ever.

Disconnected and detached

I thought this part-time would be my oasis. I'm so naive. It is what it is. People.  The race that I'm disconnected from and as much as I want to be part of them I continue to be an alien. 

The money will help my finances and the work will beat my body to total exhaustion (=sleep). Other than that, I should give up the idea that I might meet friends or be treated fairly for that is a tale from my disconnected mind.

The B app in the night

Trying the blogger app from bed after midnight and after laying myself with the idea of sleep. I have flashes and flashes of images that are of all sorts of random things coming to mind not allowing me to rest. 

How is it that the moment I sit in front of the TV I fall asleep but I can't sleep in bed? 

I feel anxious and I wish I could scream but I'm too tired for that.

I'm the victim here!

"Stop trying to be the victim already, I want to be the victim now!" -my thouths At my mature age of 42 I've learned to say no and that if I don't demand what I want, I won't get it. That was just the case today when I told my 19 old niece that has been living with me for 3 months that she can't have her friends over and she just had a tantrum worth of a 2 year old. Why couldn't I just let that go? To start, I wish I lived in a bigger place so I had more room to be alone, but I don't...To have her around barely talking to me is uncomfortable as it is, to now have one more or maybe two more friends staying in her room an every so often walking by me to leave the house without saying hello, good bye or thank you. FUCK THAT! I don't have to put up with that when I'm the only one who pays bills in the house. So she throws her tantrum and threatens that she is leaving. I'm not going to beg. Maybe that's why I'm single. I don't beg, and I'm not too keen of people who don't like me. Now the grandma is going to be devastated and nervous and sad, and needs meds to control herself and I have to listen to all of that shit. Her granddaughter texts her from the other room saying that she loves her but that she knows I don't like her so she is leaving. Is not about liking. I love her. I want her to be here, and I want her to do well. I want her to finish the school she started a few days ago to finally try to get her diploma. But I do worry and get annoyed when she goes out at 1am and comes back at 6am and I know she's been drinking and smoking pot and she is in probation. If she gets caught she is going back to jail. She has a chance to turn things around but she is not willing to make adjustments or changes. She wants things to be "her way" and when they don't go her way she has tantrums. I'm not talking anymore. I am strict. I don't forgive, I don't forget and I can let go very easily. I also love passionately but I that is not free. I require the same level of commitment and those who are not in for real, need to be out.